Marathon Weekend

Have you ever watched a movie and thought, “This is a terrible ending, I wish it was better.” Maybe you read a book and wished you could rewrite some of it to make it all work out in the end. I know I have, and I wish I could do that in life too, but I cannot. It is the weekend of the NYC Marathon and instead of preparing to carb load and rest I will be doing my best to avoid being reminded I will not be running.

A few weeks ago after a doctor visit a blood test came back elevated, which suggested I may not have MS after all but something called neurosarcoidosis. I was sent to yet another specialist who happened to be a general practitioner as well. He ran more blood and a new MRI and still the answer is not 100 percent clear which I have, however while reviewing my medical file he pointed out I have more wrong with my heart than just arrhythmia. With the condition of my heart, its severity and my arrhythmia all-together, he advised it would be very dangerous for me to run. I was shocked. He even went as far as to say he was surprised I was able to do a half marathon and not pass out or worse. In the last almost two years, I have seen three cardiologists, four neurologists and now a rheumatologist. How in the world did all the prior doctors miss something like this? The answer, I had too many specialists and no general contractor to put all the information together. The cardiologist who discovered the issue was never told I was running (and I was not at the time), the other two never got that report and the neurologists were only looking at my brain. Thankfully, I have learned to ask for copies of all my reports and tests, and thankfully my new doctor took the time to look at them, and listen to me talk about training for the marathon. 

There are many ways this information fell through the cracks, but it was discovered before anything happened. After I ran the half marathon I remember feeling like I would pass out, but I thought, “I just ran 13.1 miles of course I am going to pass out.” I paid no attention to it and it was possibly my body telling me something. I have been so focused on making my body train to do something extreme that I forgot to make sure it would not do extremes to my health.  

After being pulled from the marathon, I was very surprised at how hard I took it. I know it sounds crazy but I went through the stages of grief with this new information. Denial was the first to hit. I did not want to believe not only that I could not complete the journey but also that I was looking for answers to more medical questions than before. Then I was angry with my body for not doing what I wanted, angry that I trained and prepared and would not get to go and use that. Angry that it was happening to me. Bargaining did not last long. I really just could not think of too many things that I could offer in trade. However, depression was the strongest. It was such a letdown, and lost hope. I did not want to see people running (and they are everywhere), did not want to hear the music I used to train with, did not want to read my running magazines and I did not want to write this blog. I felt guilty for feeling so upset over something that really does not matter that much in life, but to me it did. To me it meant strength, incredible will and accomplishment.

I was trapped in a place that felt like I failed. Then I heard a quote. “Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.”-Mohandas Gandhi. It was then that I realized even though my body cannot physically perform the act it does not mean my will was dominated. I just have to use the strength of my will somewhere else. I realized also that this is not a sad ending to the story. I did not run the race, but I also might have been spared a horrible fate if I had. This is the part of the movie when you know something bad is coming and you want to shout at the person to stop. Well I heard that shout, and I stopped. So maybe sometimes in life I wish I could write the endings. I want to write them all with big accomplishments, cheers, applause and where dreams come true. However at least in this particular story it was better that I let God do the writing, and I get to be here to discover the next chapter.