When my daughter Taylor was first learning how to swim, it was very stressful. She swims as if she is drowning. She would go under more times than she would surface and she continued this for years. We would sit but the side of the pool holding each other back from jumping in after her saying “Wait, wait she is OK.” Every time she would resurface, we would relax and let out the breath we had been holding. She still swims like that actually, but after six years, we have come to know she is a strong swimmer and this is just how she likes to do it.
I run as if I am drowning. How do I know this? I see it on the faces of the people I pass. When I run the back trails of the duck pond, I see it on the faces of the other runners, walker, bikers and even the dogs that pass me. I see the look of “Are you OK?”, “Do you need water?” or “You might want to sit down.” I run just barely at the surface. I have some moments of pure rush where I feel I am moving along nicely, music pumping, enjoying the run. Then there are the moments of drowning. Drowning in my own self-defeat. I am my biggest enemy in this race. If I do not believe I can do it I never will. Those thoughts are constantly flowing in and out as the miles pass. “Am I crazy?”, “What was I thinking?”, “I am not prepared or good enough to do this.” Those are the moments I fall below the surface. I start to think of every ache, every pain and every blister. I agonize over every mile, every step and every breath.
It is all a game I play in my head, and the hardest mile is always the first. No matter how many miles I set out to run the first is the worst. I am drowning before I even get in the water. The doubt is right there, and the pain is not far behind. I am not sure why the first mile is one of the worst miles but it always is. Do not get me wrong other miles are brutal too, usually five and nine are bad, and at any time I can go from good run to drowning. However, at any time I can also go from drowning back to a good run. Sometimes it is the music change, sometimes another runner passing me for a pacer. Other times it is great scenery, and many times, it is replaying the encouraging words of friends and family in my head. Any of those things can get me back on track and feeling like a runner again. So if you see me out there skimming the surface give a smile, thumbs up or even a honk. You never know what can help me keep putting one foot in front of the other.
