Three ... or More?

I think it might be the right of just about every Mother to not want to be done having children. I think deep inside even the surest women there is a tiny little piece that says, “I don’t want it to be over”. For me that has usually been the case. 

From the very beginning of my marriage, we wanted children.  It was something I knew without a doubt, but the desire grew stronger when we started having trouble. With every month that passed, every test I took, every doctor I saw the desire grew. It grew so great I thought I would break if it were not fulfilled. 

We started looking at adoption while we laid our cards all on the table one last time, and we hit the jackpot. We never expected after all the years of nothing that something so big would actually happen. I remember when the nurse on the phone told me I was pregnant I said nothing. I was in such shock she asked if I was ok, “yes I am ok” was my reply but little did I know that “ok” would never be the same again.

At the first ultrasound I was scared to death that it was all a mistake, a false positive on the blood work (ok two times). I was convinced I would go in and there would be nothing to see, and why did they have to make us wait six whole weeks. I mean really 6 weeks of torture while I wondered if every twinge was something wrong, or something right.  However, one of the advantages of going through infertility is you get extra early prenatal care. You get to have early ultrasounds instead of waiting the hideous 12 weeks normal patients might have to endure. 

Well at that very first ultrasound we discovered that our efforts were being kindly rewarded.  We got a three for one deal that day. My husband was thrilled to hear the doctor say there were three heartbeats, I was being practical and asked what were the chances of carrying at least one to term. He said good for at least one or maybe two, not good for all three.  So we waited, and watched, and worried. We stared at every ultrasound waiting to see if one baby started to not do as well, and become a “peanut” as they would call them.  But they all thrived, and so did I.

I felt great, even as I expanded to the point that our 8-year-old neighbor told me I had better have the babies soon before I exploded.  Pregnancy to me was wonderful, but I read that morning sickness was a sign of a healthy pregnancy, and I had none so of course like any new Mother I worried about that too.  I remember calling up my neighbor at the time that had three kids and saying, “Guess what I think I am nauseous!” She responded with “Aren’t you so cute, honey if you ‘think’ you are nauseous then you’re not.”  Still pregnancy even that of triplets agreed with me.  Moreover, I held on as long as I could, a full 32.5 weeks. Then life changed, and everything became very real.  Suddenly these three babies were not just a lingering idea, but actually three babies. 

The first six months were a nightmare. Three weeks in the hospital worrying about every little blip, and beep of the monitors. Then they came home and the real fun began.  The tiny bottles the size of medicine droppers, the charts, the diapers, the crying (from them) and me, and of course no sleep.  If I did get to escape the house, I would not want to go home again. I would get a knot in my stomach just thinking of going home to the three crying, pooping, eating machines. 

After 6 months of the round the clock craziness things started to settle down, and I swore once they did not need to be burped anymore that I would never burp another baby again. And yet here I am wondering if I still feel the same.  Maybe it is because in a couple of weeks my babies will turn 11, maybe it is because even though they exhausted me, and still do, they give me more joy than anything else in the world. Maybe it is because I love how great of a father my husband is and I think more children should get to have him, or maybe it is because I have lost my mind.

Now I am not saying that we will ever have more children, and I am not saying we will not. For us it is not a situation to be considered lightly in any degree, but what I am saying is I think I would be lying if I said deep down there is a not part of me that is whispering “I am not ready for it to be over”.