Tips For Stepmothers of the Bride and Groom

It is more than common today if not even the “new normal” for weddings to involve step parents.  According to a 2011 Pew Research Report on Step Families, over 43% of adult individuals have a step relationship (step parent, step sibling or step child).  This translates into over 95 million people in the U.S.  I had firsthand experience with this as my husband’s parents were divorced, and his father had re-married.

There are many etiquette articles on the Web and etiquette books that provide the “nuts and bolts” of handling step parents at weddings such as how to create an invitation that is inclusive of step parents or how to organize the seating charts.  But overall, I have found that these books did not offer much help when people’s true feelings come out and when people begin to behave irrationally.  Wedding planning seems to bring out the worst in people’s insecurities, anxieties, and the dynamics that are embedded in the family, but perhaps are never spoken of or addressed directly.

My husband and I felt it was important that people’s behavior at the wedding not get out of hand.  We had a direct conversation with his father about our expectations for the rehearsal dinner and wedding, instilling how important it was to have civility between him, his wife and my husband’s mother.

Looking back, I am glad that my husband and I laid out our expectations for his parents and stepmother because future events became so much easier.  My baby shower went so smoothly as did the first-year birthday party of our twin boys.  With my husband’s father recently passing away, I am hopeful that we brought unity to the family that perhaps had been missing for many years.

If you are a stepmother of the bride or a stepmother of the groom at a blended family wedding here are some tips to help the ceremony and reception go smoothly.

Remember to tread lightly.  You may be asked to help with the planning.  When you agree to help out, don’t expect something in return. Go into this knowing that no matter what you do, the biological mom still has the most influence (even if she has passed away.)

We found our seating charts to be very helpful in creating neutral and safe areas for the stepmom and my husband’s mother.  People were able to relax, be themselves and enjoy the wedding.

Always remember, this day is about the bride.  It should not be about the guests she chose not to invite or about you.  Let go of any anger or resentment and keep this day free of battles.