Party or dinner guests can arrive early. Or, they may show up late. Either way, their timing shouldn't become the host's problem.
That applies to those guests who are chronically late and those who arrive too early, putting hosts in the position of having to entertain them while putting the finishing touches on the event or getting dressed for it.
That was the consensus when we asked readers what hosts should do about guests who aren't respectful enough to show up on time for The Question, an exclusive Patch column on etiquette, everyday ethics and what to do when the rules aren't quite as clear as everyone pretends they are.
Lyn, a Darien (Illinois) Patch reader, has tried telling those guests who are habitually late — anywhere from a half hour to a couple of hours — that the event starts earlier than it actually does.
"Some people, who are supposedly your friends, just don't care to change their behavior," Lyn said. "I've skipped inviting them to an event. The behavior may change for the next event or two, but they always go back to their old habits."
These late arrivals "never, ever host events at their home and really must not understand all that goes into it," Lyn said.
"Also, not only do they come late, but they expect to stay late. Everyone else is wrapping things up and heading out, and I just want to clean up and collapse. They're ready to party! They have no consideration for what's going on outside of their bubble! Very selfish! Very rude!" Lyn said.
She added, "Goofy things happen here and there, a traffic jam or something, but not every event! If you can't come in a timely manner, then say you just can't make it to the event! If you want to be there, if the event is important to you, you'll be on time!"
Fruss Trated, a Macomb Township (Michigan) Patch reader, is looking for a way to get through to perpetually tardy guests that "it's rude, selfish and disrespectful."
"We experience this on a regular basis, and it's difficult to maintain our friendship. The more you emphasize it to the tardy folks, the less they seem to care about being on time," Fruss Trated said. "Talking to them has not helped."
Anita, a Scarsdale (New York) Patch reader, offered this advice: "Start without them."
"People will either get the message or they won't when it comes to lateness. If you hold up dinner because of one late guest, it's rude to the other guests and it could ruin the whole dinner," Anita said.
"We once got invited to a going-away dinner party at someone's house. It was a catered event with hired servers. There were supposed to be nine couples, including the hosts. There were only four," Anita continued. "The host texted the others at the beginning of the party asking when they would be arriving. None of them could come — lame excuses — too tired, got the wrong date, stuck in traffic, etc. It was beyond rude."
Readers generally agreed, saying hosts should focus on entertaining guests who arrive on time and serve meals at the planned time. But they should also set aside their irritation, several said.
"The host should proceed with their timetable and not inconvenience themselves or the other guests. The late arrivals can be accommodated or blended in as needed and serve themselves or do without if the health of the food is an issue," said ABD, who follows local Patch news sites in Florida, Maryland, Virginia, Pennsylvania, Georgia and Washington, D.C.
ABD said the host's goal should be to make everyone comfortable, including late arrivals who may have encountered circumstances beyond their control.
"Neither party nor other guests should concern themselves with the delay," ABD said. "There could be many reasons for the lateness that should not have to be explained. Enjoy each other's company and focus on the event, not the arrival time of others."
Local Mom, a New Jersey Patch reader, also welcomes latecomers with a smile. And she doesn't appreciate snide remarks about tardiness, whether to their face or behind their back.
"I have been in the room, and it feels uncomfortable," she said. "I think it's rude, and then I think about what about when I or others come late — is that the same attitude? I think a gracious host also gives grace unless they feel like they should bring it up personally to the culprit latecomer."
Some readers said it's OK to let the stragglers know they have inconvenienced the host and other guests.
"For repeat offenders, it's fair to ask them to make an effort to be on time, and if they are late, it's OK to allow some awkwardness as the host juggles things to accommodate them," a Greater Hartford (Connecticut) Patch reader said. "Hopefully, they'll get the message."
The reader said it's inconsiderate of guests to expect the host to delay dinner or keep food warming while everyone waits for their arrival.
"It's also inconsiderate to walk in mid-meal and expect the host to interrupt his own meal to get you accommodated with drinks, etc.," the reader continued. "Some meals are intended to be eaten immediately upon preparation."
NYC Stella, a Flushing-Murray Hill (New York) Patch reader, said guests who are chronically tardy should be put on notice.
"Pointedly tell them not to be late because you will be serving dinner at 'X' time with or without them," NYC Stella said.
Less conciliatory was Fatima, a Philadelphia Patch reader.
"The host should call the person out in front of everyone," she said.
"People who are always late meeting you anywhere are narcissists," said RTWNYC, a New York City Patch reader. "They have no respect for anyone else. End of story."
Nashua (New Hampshire) Patch reader TB4 has similar feelings.
"I had two friends who were inconsiderate and disrespectful of my time and my schedule," TB4 said. "I cut ties with them because I feel I was a good friend who kept our plans and respected them. They obviously didn't feel the same way."
Respondents to our informal survey generally agreed that arriving more than 15 minutes or a half hour late is considered rude if they don't have a good reason or haven't taken the time to call and say they've been delayed.
"I have a friend who is late to everything — at least an hour, sometimes more. I just start without her. That's on her if she misses out. She knows I'm not going to wait," said Farmington (Minnesota) Patch AM reader Myra. "We've been friends for 20 years. If it were anyone else, I'd probably stop inviting them."
That said, "When you're more than 30 minutes late, it's just rude!" according to Myra.
Legitimate delays — like waiting on a repair service to fix a broken store refrigerator, bad traffic, or letting a child finish a nap so they aren't cranky — are understandable, said Diane, who reads Bloomfield Patch, Point Pleasant Patch and Lavallette Patch AM, all in New Jersey.
Diane has had it with her in-laws. None of these reasons account for their tardiness.
"I have a sister-in-law and brother-in-law who have zero reason to be late (no kids and in their 50s and live 15 to 20 minutes away) and are habitually late! Brother (my husband) wants to wait for them to arrive. We have waited for years. No more."
"Why make the other guests have to wait to eat? If dinner is at 6 and you told everyone 6, and two guests repeatedly arrive late (without cause), then I start serving the guests present. Not my problem that you are late!"
"Showing up close to the end of the function is rude," Evanston (Illinois) Patch reader DeeDee said, adding, "Don't stress about latecomers; it's not worth the cortisol."
"If it's a dinner party preceded by cocktails and hors d'oeuvres, then I would say 45 mins late is pushing it. It also depends on the reason the guests arrive late. If it's the inevitable traffic we deal with in the Northeast, that's more understandable," said Fairfield (Connecticut) Patch reader Susan.
"We all know how tough traffic can be, so if it's not habitual, some tolerance is necessary at times," said Massachusetts Patch reader Ducky.
St. Charles (Illinois) Patch reader Kim shows up late on purpose.
Not late late. More like fashionably, defensively late.
"Arriving early to a home can catch hosts off guard finishing last-minute tasks," Kim said. "I try to time my arrival to be five or 10 minutes after the invite time."
Fair enough. Except Kim also has very little patience for people who show up late.
"The most important thing for a host to remember is to never, ever wait on one person. Keep your plans and itinerary running as planned and show your guests who arrived on time your consideration," Kim said. "Anyone who is late simply misses out on whatever happens prior to their arrival. If they missed drinks or appetizers or whatever, that is on them, and it is not the host's responsibility to play catch up with them."
So Kim's rule appears to be: Be a little late. Just don't be that late.
"If you wait for one person, they are likely to continue being late in the future," Kim added. "The only sure cure is to send them the message you won't wait for them."
Worse is this, the Greater Hartford (Connecticut) Patch reader said:
"I spent many years hosting elaborate holiday dinner parties for six to 10 people, taking time off from work to handle all the prep involved, and spending a large amount of money, all in an effort to convey that my guests are important to me," the reader said. "I was very disappointed one year when a long-time attendee said, 'I'm just too busy at work, and I want to work late, and I'll get there when I can. Just start without me.' Yeah, you couldn't leave work on time? You expect me to interrupt the dinner to get you accommodated? If you can't honor the timeframe, then decline the invitation. The host can then decide if or how to make adjustments."
Lawrenceville (New Jersey) Patch reader Faith Ann sees her early arrival as a courtesy to the hosts.
"I usually show up about 15 minutes earlier to see if I could help with any unforeseen delays, for example, children who are antsy or elderly people who need comforting, or just for an extra pair of hands," she said.
Gloucester Township (New Jersey) Patch reader Eddie thinks it's acceptable for guests to show up 10 minutes early but said they "should stay out of the way and occupy themselves while the host finishes preparations."
"Asking the guest to help is just rude of the host unless the guest asks to help. If the guest asks to help, give them a task or just politely decline because sometimes they could just get in the way," Eddie said.
The offer to help with last-minute preparations may be a kind, although unwanted, gesture, some readers said.
"Early arrivals get in the way and want to talk," said JJ, who reads Joliet Patch and Shorewood Patch, both in Illinois. "If you are like me, I cannot concentrate on younand what I need to do, and asking if you can help is not helpful."
Several readers said their response to early arrivals varies based on their relationship.
"If the person is a relative or close friend, they should apologize and offer to help the hostess with any last-minute tasks," said Johns Creek (Georgia) Patch reader Margaret, who usually asks those people to arrive a little early.
Others who arrive early "should drive around the block or find something else to do until just before the scheduled time to avoid embarrassing themselves or the hostess," Margaret said.
"I get some people may have a long drive and estimate traffic wrong," said Trenton-Grosse Ile (Michigan) Patch reader Michwake. "If it is 5 or maybe 10 minutes early, I may see if the door is open or it looks like they are ready for people. If not, I will wait."
When guests arrive early, "you don't have to answer the door — let them wait outside!" said West Chester (Pennsylvania) Patch reader Spud, adding that for all the early guests know, "You could be in the shower and not hear them."
Old Town Alexandria (Virginia) Patch reader Ruth agreed it's rude when guests arrive early, "but you can always choose to be gracious and enjoy the extra time with them," she said.
"Ideally, you should not be more than 10 minutes early," Ruth continued. "If early, make one offer to help; if declined, then find a seat and stay out of the way."
Apple Valley-Rosemount (Minnesota) Patch reader RJ isn't sure "rude" is the correct word for the tendency of guests to arrive early.
"I have an aunt who always arrived up to an hour early for any parties at my home," RJ said. "It's definitely disruptive, as I need to use that time getting things ready."
And there may have been a reason for the aunt's habit of being the first to arrive.
"She always said she was worried about traffic, but looking back, I wonder if she didn't want some one-on-one attention before the other guests arrived," RJ said.
"Behavior does not equal intention," said Barb, a Chicago Patch reader. "For those unable to regulate their time, it isn't intentional rudeness but an inherent character flaw that prevents such people from meeting the socially acceptable standard."
The Question is an exclusive Patch column on etiquette, everyday ethics and what to do when the rules aren't quite as clear as everyone pretends they are — and readers provide the answers. If you have a topic you'd like us to consider, email beth.dalbey@patch.com with "The Question" as the subject line.
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