After Parkland: Portland Teacher Reflects On Keeping Kids Safe

Julie Whitaker is a kindergarten teacher at an elementary school in Portland. Like many teachers across the country, the events last week at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Florida caused her to look at her classroom in a way that no teacher wants – where would you hide your students?

The following are her words; her reflection on the events of last week.

MAY 21, 1998

I was a kindergarten teacher within a daycare setting in 1998. My relationships with the families were tight.

Many of the children had been my students in previous years when I had held the position of lead preschool teacher.

When the Thurston High shooting happened we were all devastated, and it was my first experience as a young adult with such violence. I still remember gathering my students into a circle, helping them to process what they heard, what their fears were.

I reassured them they were safe. We talked about peace, love, and taking care of each other. I managed to hold back tears, saving them for later. I felt outraged at the burden they had to bear, incredulous at the conversation I was having to facilitate.

"I REASSURED THEM THEY WERE SAFE."

• 1999, 20 April - Columbine High School massacre - (15 deaths)
• 2005, 21 March - Red Lake shootings - (10 deaths)
• 2006, October 2 - West Nickel Mines School shooting - (6 deaths)
• 2007, 6 April - Virginia Tech massacre - (33 deaths)
• 2008, February 14 - Northern Illinois University shooting - (6 deaths)
• 2012, 2 April - Oikos University shooting - (7 deaths)
• 2012, December 14- Sandy Hook Elementary School shootings - (28 deaths)
• 2013, June 7 - 2013 Santa Monica shooting - (6 dead)
• 2014, October 24- Marysville Pilchuck High School shooting - (5 dead)
• 2015, 1 October - Umpqua Community College shooting - (10 dead)
• 2017, November 14 - Rancho Tehama Reserve shooting - (6 dead)
• 2018, 14 February - Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School shooting - (17 dead)

I know. The list is incomplete. This only lists "the worst," by someone's standards.

FEBRUARY 11, 2018

My 12-year-old daughter, is nervous about the History Bee she qualified for. It will be in Vancouver the next day. I say, "It's okay, just do your best, love." She responds, "It's just that I'm scared there will be a shooting. It's a public event. I'm scared of things like carnivals and anywhere there is a public gathering."

I tell her she is statistically safe. I reassure her she is safe.

VALENTINE’S DAY, FEBRUARY 14 2018

It wasn’t until after school that I learned of the shooting in Florida. It wasn't until Saturday that I began to allow it to sink in, that my own processing began. As the teacher and protector of your children, as a mom who sends her own kids to school.

SATURDAY & SUNDAY FEBRUARY 17 & 18

I am gripped and obsessed with Facebook these 2 days...not my usual M.O.

I foolishly engage with people I don't know, trying to respectfully reason and engage in conversation that is rational, giving, empathetic. It goes nowhere and I am discouraged.

I enter my weekly Sunday morning space of community gathering, awaiting encouragement, guidance, acknowledgement, and initiative to DO something.

None of that happens and I completely, publicly, lose my $!#$. I'm not sorry. It is my release and I yell and sob and admonish and can't breathe.

I'm grateful for my family who is not embarrassed, but proud, of my outburst, my family who embraces me until I can breathe again and the sobbing eases. I grip the papers I had been jotting notes on during the morning gathering that, on any other Sunday, would have been inspirational. These are my notes:

• My closet. It can fit four. Could I quickly empty it of the snacks and sanitizing wipes? That leaves 21.
• The cupboard with boxes of paper books, thus far unused this year. Those are easily pulled out. 2 shelves, 2 kids each. Smaller ones. It would be snug. I would tell them to hold hands. Pretend we are playing hide and seek, but don't come out. I love you. That leaves 17.
• Quickly, no more spaces with doors. 6-8 can huddle together behind the easel and book cart. Lay down, be still, hold hands. Hold the stuffies. I will cover you with the fabric I use to keep dust off of shelves over the weekend. Please be still. I'm here. Don't worry. Take deep quiet breaths like we've practiced. That leaves 9.
• Backpack baskets. In you go. Curl up. Backpacks on top. Quickly, quietly. Shhh. It's okay. I will tell you when to come out. Shhh. I love you. We will be okay. That leaves 4.
• No more spaces. I will protect you. Come behind my teacher shelf. Make yourself small. My body will cover you. I will not leave you. Shh. It's okay. Breathe, in and out.

ENOUGH. ENOUGH. ENOUGH.

It was the first time I'd ever written down the play by play. It's not the first rehearsal in my mind though. It's a replay that takes place in my mind, like a movie, that happens when I go to bed at night, when we have a lockdown drill, every time there is a shooting (how big are other teacher's closets??).

I don't practice putting kids in these spaces during lockdown drills – it would be too traumatizing for these littles. But I know the routine by heart.

I am a mother of two amazing children. They are number one in my life. But I have a confession that disturbs me.

When I park my car and enter my elementary school, they become number two. I know that I would shield any child in that building, leaving my own...my actual own...without a mother.

ENOUGH. ENOUGH. ENOUGH.

I am beyond politics, at this point. I want action.

I am begging you and everyone you know to please do something. Whatever you think the solution is, please do something to make it happen.

Please, let's agree that this is a complex issue, and so it will take many solutions. Let's stop arguing on "the one" solution and come at this from multiple angles.

Do you think it's guns? Then do your part to pass common sense gun laws.

Do you think it's parenting? Then do your part to enable parents to access support and classes, reach out to families you see struggling and do so without judgement.

Do you think it's a mental health issue? Do something in our community to help children and adults access mental health care.

Do you think it's isolation? Reach out to the families you see at the pick-up gate who are always alone, connect with our students who are hard to connect with. I tell my students that I like to think of myself as Mrs. Fix-It...there is ALWAYS a solution.

We all have to be willing to DO something rather than talk about it or condemn someone else for not acting.

If you see me fighting tears next week, you'll know why. I'm not okay, not until your children are.

Not until my reassuring statement, "you are safe" is not a lie.

I wish you love and encouragement and a peace that is bound with action. I'll see you tomorrow.

Photo courtesy Julie Whitaker