Strange-But-Allegedly-True Tales of Bond Court 2016

There’s a million stories in the naked Cook County Fifth Municipal Court District — from fake kidnappings and Whizzinators to boulder throwing and interesting places to hide heroin. Here are best of the strange-but-allegedly-true bond court stories that inspired us in 2016. All defendants are presumed innocent.

Woman Smuggles Heroin in Inhaler

Isn’t it good to know that you’ve got a friend, especially one that would deliver an inhaler full of heroin to you in jail? Lauren Yozze, 28, of Worth, was arrested after Chicago Ridge police found a foil packet of heroin inside an inhaler that she wanted delivered to a prisoner. Yozze said her friend told her where to find the inhaler in his home and to bring it to him in jail, and didn’t know there was heroin inside it, prosecutors said.

Facebook Pot Deal Gone Bad

This was just one of several drug deals arranged over social media.

Buttcrack Heroin

We can’t think of a better place to hide 3.3 grams of heroin, can you?

Vengeful Driver

Within minutes of being released on an I-bond by Worth police for driving on a suspended license, prosecutors said Chicago Ridge resident Michael Foster tossed a rock “in retribution” through the window of the Worth police station.

Trouble in Paradise Elegant Banquets

Wedding guests ganged up on a police officer sent to disperse a large group of people arguing outside of Paradise Elegant Banquets in Bridgeview that resulted in the arrests of three Slovakian-born brothers —Peter, Lukas and Marek Nebus. Two of them had to be Tased, prosecutors said. The brothers appeared before the judge in their wedding clothes. This is a wedding album we’d love to see.

The Whizzanator

The next time you visit your probation officer, you may want to leave your prosthetic penis and bag of synthetic urine at home.

The Swingin’, Singin’ Servant of God

As the prosecutor and public defender debated the number of love letters Brett Nivinski allegedly sent to the same woman he had been told by a judge not to contact, the 52-year-old Nivinski made a rambling statement about God and the Catholic Church, which lasted for several minutes despite efforts from the assistant public defender to get him to stop talking.

“I believe in complete transparency, I walk toward the light,” Nivinski told the judge.

Turns out he’s a pretty good songwriter, too.

Rapper Beats Up Blogger Until He Says 'Black Lives Matter’
An arrest warrant was issued for an up-and-coming rapper after he allegedly beat up an underground blogger during an interview until he said the words, “Black Lives Matter.”

Son Fakes Kidnapping To Get Mom To Pay Gambling Debts

A Bridgeview man allegedly confessed to masterminding his own kidnapping, with help from his girlfriend and friend. While Joseph Vicario’s girlfriend called his mother, Vicario’s friend was smacking his hands near the phone while the ungrateful son screamed, “don’t hit me, don’t hit me!” Vicario’s “kidnappers” demanded a $3,000 ransom from his mother so he could pay his gambling debts. Vicario is also said to have bragged to police that he tried the fake kidnapping scheme before and it worked.

The girlfriend later claimed that she thought the alleged kidnapping scheme was a game. The couple are no longer dating, her attorney said.

Foul-Mouthed Defendant Curses Judge

Throwing a boulder at police officers and spitting on them can land a fellow in a heap of trouble. So can swearing at a judge. After a judge set bail at $100,000 for a 24-year-old Samuel Fikejs for allegedly assaulting Burbank police, he expressed his displeasure by banging on the walls in the detainees’ lock-up in the Bridgeview Courthouse.

“Are you out of control?” the judge asked, warning the man he would be held in contempt of court if he continued to swear at him.

“You’re a POS in my eyes.” Fikejs said.

Bail was increased to $300,000. The judge also held Fikejs in contempt of court and ordered him to spend six months in Cook County Jail. He should be getting out about now.