Frozen Niagara Falls Drawing Tourists: A hardy stream of tourists have been gathering to photograph a totally frozen Niagara Falls, which has been displaying an extraordinary crystalline spectacle. Park officials say the place is frozen so rock-solid that they may be forced to rename the place Viagra Falls.
Man Sues BMW Over Persistent Erection: A California man has sued BMW North America, claiming that a four-hour round-trip ride on his BMW motorcycle with a “ridge-like” seat gave him “a severe case of priapism (a persistent erection) that has lasted 20 months and counting. In related news, BMW stock closed up over 350% today.
Britain’s National Health Service Treats Youngest Alcoholic: A 3-year-old who recently received hospital alcohol treatment has been called Britain’s “youngest alcoholic” by the National Health Service. In response, the child’s parents say they plan to immediately implement a “beer only and no hard liquor before noon” rule for the toddler.
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Alligator Bites Off Swimming Florida Teen’s Arm: State wildlife officials report that an alligator at least 10 feet long lunged at a teen swimming in a river and bit off a his right arm. On a positive note, the kid is now considered a shoe-in for the Captain Hook role in his high school’s presentation of Peter Pan this year.
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Michigan Great Dane is World’s Tallest Dog: A Great Dane from Otsego, Michigan is listed in the Guinness World Records as the world’s tallest dog, weighing 155 pounds and standing 7’4” on his hind legs. His owner reports that a dog that size can consume up to two and 1/2 neighbors a day.
Saudi Arabia Detains Men for Dancing at Birthday Party: Saudi Arabia’s morality police have created an international controversy by detaining a group of young men for dancing at a birthday party and then referring them to prosecutors. Saudi officials countered that the men weren’t detained for dancing per say, but because their dancing sucked so badly.
Green Tea Could Cloud Olympic Doping Tests: Olympic doping officials say they are considering whether to tweak their steroid tests after a recent British study indicated that green tea might hide testosterone from the standard test used to spot it. In related news, Gold’s Gym announced plans to add “tea rooms” to all of their gyms.
California State Assembly Approves Chemical Cremation: The California State Assembly passed a bill that will allow corpses to be chemically dissolved as an alternative to being burned. Who the hell authored that law, Tony Soprano?
Old Billy the Kid Hideout for Sale at $545,000: An artistically updated home which was the one-time hideout of Billy the Kid, has sold for $545,000 in the preserved Old West town of Lincoln, New Mexico. Wow, that’s a pretty fancy hideout. I’d like to get the name of Billy the Kid’s interior decorator.
