Are You Helping or Enabling?

Friends and family members will often do everything in our power to help a loved one with addiction. Unfortunately, too often instead of helping, our actions are actually enabling their addiction.

According to experts, enabling is commonly defined as intentionally or unintentionally removing the natural consequences to the individual struggling with addiction of his or her behavior. Professionals warn against enabling because evidence has shown that an addict experiencing the damaging consequences of his addiction on his life has the most powerful incentive to change.

How do you know if you’re helping or enabling? Ask yourself these questions:

• Do you take steps to cover up the addiction and help keep it hidden?
• Do you make excuses for your loved one’s addiction or behavior?
• Do you avoid confronting the addiction in an attempt to avoid conflict?
• Do you have trouble expressing your emotions?
• Do you believe your loved one is just going through a phase?
• Do you believe the problem will eventually resolve itself without help?
• Do you handle the responsibilities or pay bills of your loved one?
• Do you enjoy the feeling of being ‘needed’ by your loved one?
• Are you guilty of giving second, third, and fourth chances?
• Do you ever participate in risky behaviors alongside your loved one?
• Do you put the addict’s needs before your own?
• Do you resent the addict?

Once you realize that you are enabling your loved one’s addiction, it’s time to put your foot down. Try taking these steps:

Talk about it. Instead of just saying no, discuss why you don’t want to provide the money or do other favors.

Stay strong. Your loved one may be very persistent about needing your help. Expect this, and make a pact with yourself to resist the desire to “help.”

Set boundaries. Use saying no as an opportunity to set limits and steer your loved one toward getting help for the addiction. Setting boundaries may include limitations such as refusing to give financial help, take on their responsibilities, lie or make excuses for their behavior.

Don’t Fear Consequences. Trying to control the situation out of fear of repercussion only serves to prevent the addict from suffering the consequences — consequences that may actually provide the incentive to change.

Put Yourself First. It doesn’t matter if the addict is your husband, wife, son, daughter, mother, father or friend. You cannot risk your own welfare for their sake. Selflessness is admirable, but it does not serve to help the addict or yourself.

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Gus Stieber is Director of Clinical Outreach Services at Kiva Recovery, a substance abuse treatment and recovery center located in Vernon Hills. www.KivaRecovery.com