A Wrinkle In Time

It's been a rough week. Not only has the sun seem to have forgotten about New Jersey, but my youngest son has caught an intense case of the coxsackie virus. I don't know why it is called "Hand,Foot & Mouth Disease" when it has literally spread everywhere. He's been a real trooper though. With true avail, he continues to touch everything and put everything in his mouth. We all watch on from a distance as he babbles, smiles and waves at us. He is not aware that the virus could spread to anyone of us at any given moment. My oldest has even taken to moving his most prized possessions (every Thomas train we own) to play with in another room. Very smart of him. And what does that mean for mommy? Toys are everywhere, yay ! So, I let the oldest one play wherever he is comfortable, then smile and wave back at the baby, while grabbing each toy for the 10th time to wipe it down quickly as he moves on to the next item of business. So far, this is working. Yet, my oldest son has decided that he has contracted his own virus and repeatedly asks me if the wrinkles on his skin need 'special lotion' or why he keeps getting red marks on his waist from his pants. This week, every pant is too tight and every wrinkle needs a cure. I know in his almost-4-year-old mind that whatever his brother has will somehow morph on to him, so I try to be patient and explain the situation in real terms. So far, this is not working. "Constant reassurance" has been my motto this week, but where I find it for my boys, I some how loose it on myself. I've approximated that for at least 80% of the human contact I get all day (or any SAHM for that matter), it is related to child-like thoughts and behavior. For a almost-4-year-old, it reflects a perfectly normal reasoning ability and expanding mind. But, for a thirty-something-year-old, it seems to have lead to a loss of reasoning ability and expanding mind and for me, it seems, a loss of identity. Rational or not, the loss feels like a perfectly normal wrinkle on my skin that I cannot seem to get my head around. I am not sure if it is because I haven't seen the sun for almost a week, or because I have been hyper-cleaning and constantly reassuring almost-4-year-old thoughts, but it has been a rough one. Mommy needs a minute.

I knew that taking some time out of my career and being SAHM was not going to be easy, but I never imagined it would be this hard. Over the past few weeks, I have mindfully given major props to the women who are on this path and never look back. I wholeheartedly salute you and have major respect for this calling. This is not to say that I did not previously, but I feel now that I can rightfully help to defend the cause.  I am truly thankful to have 1 ) had the choice to spend time with my boys and 2 ) establish our family roots. This time has allowed our little family to grow, so as I see that we are settling in nicely, I am trying (as in, "The Little Engine That Could" trying) to move forward. And again, it is hard. I had this idea of what 'motherhood' would be like when I had my oldest son and out of the gate, that idea was shattered. I'm talking millions of tiny pieces that I Swiffered under the rug. Most of you who know me, may have had no idea because I had no idea. What they may not explain in all of the lovey-dovey baby-momma books is that you do loose your past identity and nothing can prepare you for that. Nothing. For all of my strong-willed single ladies out there, I hear you saying, NOOOO - NEVER ! But you have to believe me on this, I fought the good fight. I still am true to who I am as an individual ( Come on, I still rock out to Emo music in my mini-van!), but because I had my past identity in a million pieces under the rug, I dove head first in to my career after my first son was born and I hit the cement. That was my plan. Not to hit the cement, but to keep going full steam ahead and figure out the whole motherhood thing as I went. The birth went nothing as I had planned - God got must have had tears in his eyes from laughing so hard. No one plans for a birth to be filed under 'traumatic life event' so from there I had no idea where to go, except willingly back to what I knew best. While the preoccupation was great while it lasted, it took me 3 years to realize what motherhood really means and embrace it. I have always undyingly loved my son. In fact, at just 5lbs 10 oz, he taught me what love really is from the moment we first met. But at the time, I didn't want to believe that career and motherhood had to share the same awesome Jennifer. They do though, and they fight constantly. All the time I was trying to identify with my past self, I missed the opportunity to enjoy what was truly happening. The transformation from non-mother to motherhood is a journey - a long and trying one, but a beautiful one. It is not a dead end. This is the most rational thought I've had all week.

To finally quote one of my favorite songs lately -
"All this time I was finding myself and I didn't know I was lost."

Keep being inspired? Sure ! But don't take my word for it :
http://heronsister.wordpress.com/2013/10/07/what-i-learned-from-the-monks-about-motherhood/