How to Reconcile a Relationship

To reconcile a love relationship after one or both parties have been wounded is more difficult than just forgiving. It involves re-establishing harmony and trust between people. When you work to reconcile with another, you will not end up with the same relationship you had before the breakdown. Rather, it will either be more distant and diplomatic, or it will be more intense and mature, more sensitive and satisfying.

One of my psychotherapy professors claimed that what every marriage needs is at least one good divorce. He did not mean a legal divorce, but rather an emotional one. And by that he meant that through working out and resolving painful issues and acts, a couple can draw closer together, with greater understanding than ever before.

Reconciling has more than one meaning and end. Sometimes to reconcile means to part on a friendly basis, so that if you should meet again, you will at least be able to smile at one another. And if you do not meet again, you will still wish the other well. For divorced persons to reconcile often means, not remarrying, but finding peace, becoming friendly and at ease with each other. I have seen persons become better friends after their divorce than they ever were while married. This is especially needed when there are children and joint custody involved.

If you seek to reconcile in terms of restoring a relationship, it is harder still. For you cannot reconcile a relationship on your own, without the other being a partner in the process. As it takes two to make a relationship, it takes two to restore a relationship. Reconciliation requires the work of both parties, with both parties sharing the responsibility for the restoration.

There is an essential process to reconciliation. It has to begin with the naming and releasing of pent-up, unexpressed, unprocessed, unforgiven history. This initial stage is best worked through together with a trusted therapist.

The subsequent process of reconciliation has five stages:

First, there must be the recognition of wrongdoing, including its naming and the acceptance of responsibility. With the recognition should come regret on the part of the wrongdoer(s), and a granting of the legitimacy of the suffering endured by the wronged.

Second, there must be the expressed and felt desire to repent, to turn away from prior wrongdoing and toward right-doing. The wrongdoer(s) must seek to renew and restore the relationship.

Third, there must be a willingness to accept the consequences of wrongdoing, as if to say: “Do to me as you will, I have it coming and am willing to bear it in order to prove both my sincerity and desire for reconciliation.” The perpetrator(s) must not insist on a cancellation of all consequences, but has to let the wronged determine the conditions for forgiveness.

Fourth, the wronged must forgive, must give the other a fresh start, a new beginning. Forgiveness is a putting aside of the past for the sake of the freeing of the present and promise of the future. Forgiveness is today letting go of yesterday in order to reach for a free, clear and open tomorrow.

Fifth, the actual work of reconciling begins. Reconciliation is an offer to be followed by real labor, the labor of love rebuilding. It takes time to rebuild a relationship, and much time must be given. If mutually successful, it is well worth the effort.

The vital truth is, if there was mutual love once, it has the inbuilt will to be restored