One Test for True Love

There is no better test for love than this: When you truly love another, that person’s well-being will be as important to you as your own. Take careful note: that means as important, not more or less important than your own well-being. Neither of these latter alternatives generates mutually satisfying relationships. As the Biblical injunction puts it, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Note yet again: not more or less, but as much as, you love yourself.

Love creates and demands equality. Love can flourish only among equals, among those who love each other as much as they love themselves. For a mutually satisfying love, the self-giving of both persons has to be well-balanced.

If the other is more important to you than you are to yourself, you have elevated the other’s significance beyond love’s unspoken will. You may believe it is your responsibility to maintain the relationship, and thus to function more as a servant than a full partner. If so, the roots of resentment and fear dwell in your heart, and neither you nor the relationship will truly prosper.

If the other is less important to you than you are to yourself, you have elevated your significance beyond love’s comfort zone. You may be doing the other a real disservice, since that person is just as deserving of mutual love as you. And if you should find another who offers you more than your current love, you might be tempted to move on, as if from one house to another which more closely approximates your dream home. In short, your reason for being in the relationship contains a self-destruct clause.

I offered this definition of love to every couple with whom I did premarriage counseling. I told them it is essential for a good marriage that both persons love each other with the same love, more or less to the same extent. Though opposites may attract, for a successful marriage, like needs to seek like. The more you have in common, the better off you will be for the long haul. As those who are or have been in fully-functioning marriages will surely attest, what makes or breaks the relationship is what the partners share. Common values, common vision, common interests, common background, and above all, common love, make for a solid relationship.

I remember one couple who came to me because they were not sure if they were in love. That usually means one or both are either not really in love, or there is something preventing the relationship from fully developing. Tom and Sally were professional people with demanding careers of their own. Sally knew she was in love with Tom, but Tom wasn’t sure.

As it turned out, while Sally felt that Tom’s well-being was as important to her as her own, Tom really didn’t. His self-centeredness showed through. He would not admit this, of course; he preferred to talk around it. Sally and I picked it up nevertheless. The question they brought to me had been answered, though not yet pronounced in words. When the words were uttered later, the relationship mercifully ended. Don’t settle for less than will satisfy your heart.

As we all need to be loved, so we all seek to love another. Nothing is more gratifying in life than finding one who will love you as much as you love the other.