Training for a Half-Marathon with Pippa Middleton as my Muse

What breathes like Darth Vadar; has cheeks that are rosier than a ripe Beefsteak; sweats more than a court-roomed Casey Anthony and O.J. Simpson, combined; and lumbers with the grace of a mover carrying a Steinway up a narrow flight of stairs?  Hint---she writes a blog for Patch; she’s uncharacteristically taken to writing about herself in the third person (!) and the aforementioned is what she looks/sounds like (further enhanced by the scorching heat of late) in response to the recent launch of her novice, 12-week, half-marathon training program. 

(Back to the present tense)…”Why, am I doing this?” you ask.  I hope you’re not expecting a noble response like, “I want to set a good example of fitness for my kids”, or, “It’s not about how I look. I merely wish to get healthy and strong.”  Puh-lease.  I refuse to misrepresent like that.  My inspiration is far more shallow and really boils down to one thing---Pippa Middleton’s maid-of-honor-bedecked arse!  Fully recognizing that:  One, I have a couple of decades on Pippa;  two, I am not blessed with her enviable gene pool and  three,  this objective was unattainable for me even back in my prime, I still offer it up as my sole motivator since it provides both a rousing visual and a colorful reply to the inquiry.  Plus, I am secure enough in my own (crepe-papery) skin to just come out and state that the girl across the big pond has a laudable and covetable “backyard” that this woman (and most women I’m guessing) would love to have attached to her “house”.

Pippa’s assets (that really have legitimately been chiseled by running) aside, the last time I ran a half-marathon was 15+ years, and pounds (if I’m really honest), ago.  I’ve got my work cut out for me because lately, the only things racking up any mileage on me are Father Time and my arm, as it moves the spoon in and out of the fully-loaded baked potato salad tub from Costco.  So, I am well aware of the daunting task that lies ahead of me, yet, crazily, kind of pumped for the challenge too. 

In an effort to hold myself accountable and to keep my focus (although admittedly, it reeks a little of self-indulgence too) I thought it might be helpful to share my race plans with you faithful readers of the Patch blogosphere.  In my quest to train for and successfully finish this race, I am turning to all you veteran racers in our community who can offer me (and others who might be embarking on a similar workout journey) pointers and moral support.  But I vow not to belabor this topic and I promise not to become one of those runners who pathologically boasts, on Facebook invariably, about her work-outs.  I won’t download apps that broadcast how much mileage I click off, I won’t tweet about my runner’s highs (or lows) and I won’t regale (or in my case, underwhelm) you with my personal bests (or worsts).  I am fully aware that all of that information is interesting to only…nobody…so I will spare you dear readers from any of that.

 Admittedly, I feel a bit self-conscious publicly “outing” myself as a so-called runner because my interpretation of the sport is typically not characterized by a beauty of form, manner or movement.  One more reason you won’t find me trumpeting any of my running stats.  In fact, when I visualize my half-marathon “finish”, it’s not one of greatness.  Rather, it’s me, in all of my middle-aged glory, crossing in somewhat of a Parkinsonian-shuffle-like fashion…and truly, I am totally cool with that.  My ultimate goals for this race aren’t overly lofty:  One, I want to finish the race, and preferably, absence the aid of a defibrillator.   And two, I want to cross in an upright (but preferably, not locked) position without having soiled my pants.   Oh yea, and three, I want to have a good hair day for my finish line photo.  I don’t think I’m asking too much.

Joking aside, I REALLY would love any advice… what to wear (or what not to wear for that matter!); best running shoes; what to eat; what training regiment to follow; suggested routes in our area; how to prepare for race day; what songs to add to my playlist; etc., etc…anyone out there would like to offer for someone who is, for all intents and purposes, new to running and to the world of racing.  So, if you could offer me one tip, and one tip only, what would the most important thing be to share?  Bonus points for funny answers. 

And kindly, in the spirit of this post and since it’s the only shot I have to emulate her, please address me as Pippa in your comments.  Your indulgence in this matter is most appreciated!