The Unwritten Rules Of Kids’ Birthday Parties Are Getting Complicated [The Question]

Children’s birthday parties are supposed to be easy. Eat some cake, open gifts, play a few games and everyone goes home happy.

Except if someone brings an uninvited sibling. Or doesn’t RSVP but shows up anyway. Or the invitation says “no gifts,” which immediately raises the question of whether “no gifts” actually means no gifts or whether everyone else knows some secret rule you somehow missed.

In this installment of The Question — Patch’s exclusive column on etiquette, everyday ethics and what to do when the rules aren’t quite as clear as everyone pretends they are — we turn to the surprisingly fraught etiquette of children’s birthday parties.

Do you have to invite the whole class?

Maybe your child has 25 classmates but only really plays with six of them. Is inviting a smaller group perfectly reasonable, or does leaving out a handful of kids cross a line?

And does it matter whether the invitations are handed out at school?

Can parents ask to bring siblings?

The invitation has one child’s name on it. The invited child has a younger brother or sister, and finding a sitter is inconvenient.

Is it OK for the parent to ask whether the sibling can come, or does that put the host in an awkward position?

And if siblings are welcome, who pays their admission at a trampoline park, arcade or other venue that charges by the child?

If the invitation says “no gifts,” do you really bring no gift?

Some parents mean exactly what they say. Others may be trying to take pressure off guests without expecting everyone to arrive empty-handed.

So what’s the polite move: Follow the instruction literally, bring a small gift anyway or perhaps have the child make a card?

Should kids open presents at the party?

For generations, watching the birthday child tear through a pile of gifts was part of the event.

Now some parents skip it entirely, either to save time or avoid comparisons, hurt feelings and the occasional brutally honest reaction from a 6-year-old.

Is opening presents in front of guests still good manners, or has that tradition run its course?

How late is too late to RSVP — and what about people who don’t RSVP at all?

Party venues often require headcounts, food has to be ordered and goodie bags don’t magically multiply.

So what should a host do when a parent never responds and then arrives with a child anyway? Grin and make room? Say something? And is it ever acceptable to tell a chronic no-show or surprise guest that there may not be a spot for them?

What are the unwritten rules of children’s birthday parties? Which ones matter, which ones have become outdated, and which party behavior makes you quietly wonder what in the world people are thinking?

Just fill out the survey below. As always, we don’t collect email addresses.

About The Question

The Question is an exclusive Patch column on etiquette, everyday ethics and what to do when the rules aren’t quite as clear as everyone pretends they are — and readers provide the answers. If you have a topic you’d like us to consider, email beth.dalbey@patch.com with “The Question” as the subject line.

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